年老的父母站著從窗口望下要搭計程車遠去的孩子的背影
對於我們的母親我們該怎麼辦
數以百萬計的成年女兒彼此互相問一個問題當他們的母親年齡漸老，有跡象顯示退化老去，對抗疾病和孤獨，有時活得花光他們的儲蓄。中年婦女活在照顧他們的母親和兒童的責任夾縫中，工作，和照顧其他家庭成員，她們感到內疚，憤怒，焦慮，她們掙扎的要做好女兒。
是作家及女兒的帕翠西亞比爾德的結論是， “我們不只是捫心自問，我們的母親應在哪裡生活，還是應該有一個膝關節置換手術。我認為，我們想知道我們能為我們的母親做些什麼。我們怎樣才能使我們與我們的母親和平相處，而不是渴望我們的母親依照我們所希望的那種樣子？對老化的母親而言什麼才是一個很好的女兒呢？為什麼如此艱難？我們如何才能做得更好？我們怎樣才能為將來當我們將永不再能夠撥打電話，聽到我們的母親的聲音作好心理準備？ “
[好女兒]探討變化中的文化，把更大的壓力加到中年婦女身上，先天推拉的母女關係，無論在任何年齡都建立了緊張局勢，但現實是在我們的舊社會，和他們的母親老化的制定要做好女兒的新角色。在從數百個採訪的婦女收集到的故事裡面，內有與她們的母親關係近乎完美或到惡裂關係的故事，[好女兒]是頭腦清醒和心情開放的母女要面對的實際的情緒問題。
用抒情的聲音來寫，加上幽默，理解和同情這兩代人，這本書既明智的也是令人鼓舞的。[好女兒]說明即使在母親的老化的困難中，最後階段仍可以提供機會，以豐富母女的關係，使母女可能會喪失勇氣及同情心的時候仍能面對環境的變化。
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1 。這本書對[好女兒]下了定義。好女兒是負責任的，能好相處的和有愛心的。如何在現實生活中發揮出在故事中的好女兒？
2 。什麼會特別干擾婦女作好女兒的能力？你知道的婦女之間有這種干擾嗎？
3.[好女兒]報告說，老化的母親想獨立。在書中女兒如何尊重母親這一願望？
4 。什麼信號，是告訴女兒這是適當的干預？有一些在書中的女兒做了步驟太快？有一些等待時間太長？
5 。多少婦女希望自己的母親繼續當母親的角色，即使他們母親的健康和能力正在下降？我們期待什麼而不自知？
6 。在書中有多少女兒出現哪些普通常見的刺激嗎？有在你的朋友中發生嗎？它是否有助於知道，當別人也有類似的經驗？
7 。什麼時候為時已晚去“修理”長期以來的不滿？當你的母親不再參與你們的關係了，你能怎麼辦？
8 。有些女兒最好是把和他們的母親彼此之間的距離拉大些？有些女兒有真正難以相處的母親，她們如何保存其平衡而沒有完全放棄她們的母親？
9 。書中有提供哪些辦法如何減少作遠距女兒產生的影響，這樣母親才不會感到孤立，女兒也能夠評估他們母親的狀況和需求？你有聽說過什麼辦法可以與他人分享？
10 老年的母親想從她們的女兒得到什麼？女兒能提供多少她們真正想要的和需要的？
11 如果你有一個特別困難伺候的媽媽，當你有很多責任需要您的注意，你要在責任和自我保護間哪裡劃清界線？
12 如何才能使共處一屋的母女共享家務，彼此尊重和平共處 ？
13 在書中的女兒似乎並沒有“最後一項事情”是她們想告訴她們的母親用來加強母女之間的關係。是實際嗎？
14 。你從[好女兒]，及你從自己和別人的經驗，有學到什麼經驗教訓，它將改變你對待你的母親的方式？你有學到什麼東西嗎？這將有助於你提前計劃當你老了而您的女兒是處在您的立場時，你將作一個“好媽媽”。
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“帕特里夏比爾德以她的書[好女兒]：愛我們的母親隨著年齡...提供了有價值的服務給所有人.我們確實面臨著人口革命。在本世紀預期壽命已大大增加。壽命的增加是一個勝利，而不是一個問題。問題是，我們還沒有想出對策應付增壽，我們一直也沒有改變我們對於老化，工作，退休，和關係的思維方式。孩子和父母家長的關係比以往任何時候都持久。部分的這種關係是給予照顧。母親和女兒共處時，添加到這個懸而未決的問題，這些增壽可說是喜憂參半。比爾德女士的書是迷人的，內容翔實。這是每個人-不只是女性的一種寶貴的資源。這是一本我將會給很多朋友強烈推薦的書之一。 “
-賀拉斯灣執行主任美國退休人員協會
“觸及純金的靜脈...確定了一系列的問題，我們聽到的大部分是通過遙遠的抱怨...沒有任何東西像這本現已上市的書。 ”
，哈利穆迪博士，執行董事，
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reading group guides
"What shall we do about our mothers?"
Millions of adult daughters ask one another this question as their mothers age, show signs of wearing down, fight illnesses and loneliness, and sometimes outlive their savings. Caught between caring for their mothers and responsibilities to children, jobs, and other family members, women in midlife are affected by guilt, anger, and anxiety as they struggle to be good daughters.
Journalist-and daughter-Patricia Beard concludes, "We are not just asking ourselves where our mothers should live, or whether they should have a knee replacement. I think we want to know what we can do about the way we feel about our mothers. How can we make our peace with the mothers we have, instead of longing for the mothers we wish we had? What does it mean to be a good daughter to an aging mother now? Why is it so hard? How can we do better? And how can we prepare ourselves for a future when we will never again be able to dial our mothers on the phone and hear their voices?"
Good Daughters explores the changes in the culture that put added pressure on women in midlife, the innate push and pull of the mother-daughter relationship that sets up tension at any age, the reality of being old in our society, and the new role daughters formulate as their mothers grow older. In stories gathered from hundreds of interviews with women whose relationships with their mothers range from nearly perfect to troubled, Good Daughters is clearheaded and openhearted about the practical and emotional problems mothers and daughters face.
Written in a lyrical voice, with humor, understanding, and empathy for both generations, this book is both sensible and inspirational. Good Daughters shows how even when a mother's aging is difficult, the last phase can provide opportunities to enrich relationships, and that mothers and daughters can face change and loss with courage and compassion.
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1. The book defines a good daughter as responsible, companionable, and loving. How does that play out in the stories in Good Daughters? In real life?
2. What interfered with particular women's ability to be good daughters? How about among the women you know?
3.Good Daughters reports that aging mothers want to be independent. How did the daughters in the book respect that desire?
4. What are the signals that tell a daughter it is appropriate to interfere? Did some of the daughters in the book step in too soon? Did some wait too long?
5. How much mothering do women expect from their own mothers, even when their health and strength are declining? What do we expect without realizing it?
6. What common irritants cropped up among the daughters in the book? How about among your friends? Does it help to know that others have similar experiences?
7. When is it too late to "fix" long-standing grievances? What can you do when your mother can't participate in your relationship anymore?
8. Would some daughters be better off putting plenty of distance between themselves and their mothers? How have some daughters of truly difficult mothers preserved their equanimity without entirely abandoning their mothers?
9. What are some of the approaches the book offers to moderate the effects of long-distance daughtering so mothers won't feel as isolated, and daughters can assess their condition and needs? What approaches have you heard about that you can share with others?
10. What do elderly mothers want from their daughters? How much of what they want and need can their daughters provide?
11. Where do you draw the line betweeen duty and self-preservation when you have many responsibilities competing for your attention; or if you have a particularly difficult mother?
12. How can mothers and daughters who live together share a household respectfully and companionably?
13. The daughters in the book didn't seem to have "one last thing" they wanted to say to their mothers to straighten out their relationship. Is that realistic?
14. What have you learned from Good Daughters, and from your own and others' experiences that will change the way you treat your mother? Have you learned anything that will help you plan ahead, so you will be a "good mother" when you are elderly and your daughter is in your position?
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" Patricia Beard has rendered a valuable service to all with her book Good Daughters: Loving Our Mothers As They Age....We do face a demographic revolution. Life expectancy has increased dramatically in this century. The increased longevity is a triumph, not a problem. The problem is that we have not figured out the implications of the added years we have, nor have we changed our way of thinking about aging, work, retirement, and relationships. The relationships of children and parents are lasting longer than ever. Part of this relationship is caregiving. Add to this the unresolved issues that mothers and daughters have with each other, these added years can be a mixed blessing. Ms. Beard's book is fascinating and informative. It is a valuable resource for everyone -- not just women. It is a book that I highly recommend and one that I will be giving to many friends. "
—Horace B. Deets, Executive Director of the American Assocation of Retired Persons
"Touches a vein of pure gold...identifies a set of issues that we hear about mostly through distant rumblings...There is nothing like this book available now. "
—Harry Moody, Ph.D., executive director,
http://www.readinggroupguides.com/guides_G/good_daughters1.asp
